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Mass restraining order filed against Mariah Carey

Bad Credit Credit Creditres Countless incidents of nation-wide stalking on the part of singer Mariah Carey have incited the United States Supreme Court to intercede with a mass restraining order against the mega-pop diva.

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Bad Consolidation Credit Debt The restraining order, which requires Carey to remain "no less than one hundred feet away from every male United States citizen over the age of thirteen," was finally passed last Monday, in response to a sharp increase in Mariah-related stalking incidents coinciding with the release of her new album, "#1's".

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Bad Company Credit Repair Victims of the recent incidents have indicated that the most dangerous aspect of the Mariah Carey situation is not the frequency of the stalkings, but rather the devious methods with which Carey uses to pursue her prey.

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Bad Card Credit Credit "I was shopping at the local Kroger's with my wife and family, completely minding my own business," reported survivor Harry Krimer from Little Rock, AR, "when all of a sudden Mariah was there. She told me that her whole world is gone and that every night she sees me in her dreams. But an insidious serpent is she. Though I hunted up and down the aisles, she remained just out of my sight, taunting me and telling me that even though she's tried, she can't let go."

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Bad Car Credit Loan According to witnesses, the scene culminated when in his rage Krimer destroyed a display of Chef Boy-ar-dee Looney Tunes, stacked in the shape of Elmer Fudd. This incident, the fourteenth time that Carey has publicly stalked Krimer, has led to Krimer's wife filing for divorce.

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Bad Credit Loan Mortgage "Just as the hellspawn banshee planned it," added Krimer.

Auto Bad Credit Loan A more local, more dangerous event, however, spurred the Supreme Court into action, when Decorah-resident Michael Brechnet was seriously injured in a Mariah-related motor vehicle accident.

Bad Credit Mortgage Refinance "I didn't tell anyone I was leaving for my parents' house in Waukon after work," said Brechnet from his hospital bed, "She must have followed me. Out of nowhere I could hear her again. She told me that I was always going to be her baby. I tried to scream. I told her, 'I NEVER WAS YOUR BABY YOU DELUDED PSYCHOPATH!!!', but to no avail. Though I could not see her, she was clearly nearby, saying that we would linger on, and I was never going to shake her. And the wench was correct. I could not escape her, no matter how much I swerved and darted on the highway."

Bad Credit Refinance Brechnet said that is was when Carey went into a high-pitched shriek that he finally lost control of his car and careened into an oncoming Wal-Mart semi.

Bad Credit Mortgage Second "Now I am paralyzed, and I will have no escape. She must be exceedingly pleased." concluded Brechnet.

Bad Credit Loan Student According to celebrity psychologist Dr. Mark Jacoby, Carey's actions are a result of deeply-rooted neuroses. "Mariah is feeling emotions higher than the heavens above," explained Dr. Jacoby, "These emotions wash over her like honey and she becomes strung out for another taste of said honey."

Bad Card Credit Dr. Jacoby indicated, however, that hope still remains for the pop singer. "With proper therapy, support, and divorces from wealthy record label owners, Mariah can be made to realize that she does not require this lifestyle for her self esteem, rather, that a hero lies in her."

Bad Credit Financing The injunction against Carey is the largest mass restraining order since the Jewel Act of 1995.

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Bad Credit Loan People Alan Jacobsen
Rips-U-Off Staff Writer

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