Bad Credit

Luther professor admits to hating Norwegian culture

Date 4/15/1999 12:00 AM | Topic: Other

After seven years of agonizing silence, a Luther College professor, one speaking under terms of complete anonymity, admitted last week of having only feelings of hatred toward the Norwegian people and their "vile, worthless" culture.

Citing the recent subjection of the freshman class to another exhaustive study of Norwegian immigration history as the impetus for his philippic, the professor denounced Luther's liberal arts program as one "wading in the poopy waters of Norwegian literature, lore, and history."

"Nothing," the professor screamed in a telephone interview, "of intellectual worth has emanated from the undulating border of that damned nation in its entire history. Their language is little more than a perversion of the English tongue, and their culture seldom extends beyond the worship of trolls and butter."

College officials, following the professor's anonymous statement, initiated one of the most intensive inquisitional actions in the college's history, driven by the school's desire to purge its faculty of what many consider a cultural heretic. The inquisition, lead by the newly formed Committee for the Solidification of Norwegian Cultural Stereotypes in the Minds of Formidable Youths, is planned to continue until the anonymous professor, and those sharing his intellectual persuasion, are removed from the Luther community.

"This school was founded by Norwegian immigrants, and thus we will pretend to be Norwegian until our deaths," stated Terry Ikkerett, head of the aforementioned committee. Following this comment, Terry, with his young daughter Jorunn, broke into one of their favorite Norwegian folk dances.

Norwegian authorities were reportedly distraught after hearing of the professor's condemnation of their culture and people. Less than a week after the college's release of the professor's statement, the Norwegian parliament approved a bill which increased the nation's military spending exponentially.

"If Luther does not expel the academic in question as punishment for his disparaging remarks towards my people," Norway's prime minister stated, "we will destroy the college with an overwhelming military force, much in the tradition of our Viking fathers."

Norway's king spoke in less intelligible terms, screaming only "han må dø, han må dø [he must die, he must die]" upon reading the report.

In order to stall the intervention of Norwegian forces in the affair, college officials allowed further delay in the completion of the Residential Village by approving the construction of gallows on the prairie site.

"All involved in this scandal," said a spokesperson for the Board of Regents, "will be promptly hanged. To all in blatant disregard for Norwegian culture, velkommen to hell."

--

Sean M. Helle
Rips-U-Off Staff Writer

[ Comment, Edit or Article Submission ]